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Tuesday, August 19, 2008 Great if you’re a pervert who thinks the best thing about 14 year old girls is that they look 12 when they get out of the shower, but not so good for the competition.
Birth certificates can be forged so I suggest some simple criteria for the IOC to implement to ensure there are no more age controversies: 1. If your coach needs to use a baby monitor to give you instructions during a performance -- you are under 16. 2. If you are performing the pummel horse still attached to an umbilical cord -- you are under 16. 3. If you need to stop during the floor exercise because you’re teething -- you are under 16. One thing is for sure, sport at its highest level, is never fair. Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Slide in and take a ride And speaking of getting fucked ... get out your wallet full of Euros for the new and totally unnecessary "Spinal Tap" of component gruppos.
"11" Tuesday, June 24, 2008 Let's kick this thing off right off with true crowd-pleaser ... the Bounce-O-Meter. May I suggest the FF/Gs with the "Extreme" activity option.
And next time you hear some Eurotrash dance music or Mexican mariachi ballad, check this out so know what the hell they're really saying ...
Try getting that catchy litte tune out of your head anytime soon. Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008 Highlights included drunk square dancing, 125 proof bourbon and a slice of "fucking" cake complete with a real, fake pussy courtesy of Shells.
And speaking of pussy, there will be no Giro discussion on this site as long as that little bitch Contadoper is in pink ... 'cause it makes me sick. Thursday, May 22, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008 And speaking of work, you best be riding your ass to it this week be-yotch.
Friday, May 9, 2008
First the eyes, now let's damage your ears Tuesday, May 6, 2008
In cycling this week, we have a case of Italian anti-doping bipolarism with total bullshit and that's the shit. Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Check out Sar-Rah our 22 year old, mega-sweet, motorboaterific May 2008 RideTrash Calendar Girl ...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
... and (I’m going to embellish this part) ploting the overthrow of a 3rd world nation while having unprotected anal sex with transgender midget crack whores and blasting hardcore Carnal Decay.
Shit, those old guys can really grind it out! Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Now click on that flashing fucker to the right and make me some beer money. Monday, April 21, 2008 ... That if you’re attempting to offset the rapid price per gallon increase of gas by increasing the number of days a week you ride to work, you’re soon going to be needing an eighth day. ... That Big Brad actually recognized the girl in the Arenburg Forest link and sent me her website? ... That this Black Flag song from 1980 has come true in Los Angeles.
... That Rob in Queens probably saw these guys live back in the day. ... Or that I want this baby as my new cycling helmet. Monday, April 14, 2008 But forget Boonen, Maaskant, the burrito boy, was the real excitement ... just not enough steroids and EPO bulit up in his young body to be able to follow Boonen, Cancelera and Bellan. Maybe Slipsteam should have had this girl positioned in the Arenburg forest to distract Boonen.
With a mini heat wave planting its hot, sweaty ass on Southern California, the canyoneering contingant decided to seek some relief in Little Santa Anita Canyon. G-man and I were "together" working on less than 6 hours of sleep, Sorensen was like a junkie in rehab being separated from his I-Phone for 7 hours and an old Korean lady beat Vanilla 25 Cent up the steep approach hike.
No, Ned Beatty was not on the trip Wednesday, April 9, 2008 Anyone hungry for dinner?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Beat me, beat me And if you weren't aware that the otherwise beautiful Mistress Julie had recently undergone surgery for a deviated septum, you might have mistaken her as a victim of domestic violence.
Monday, March 31, 2008 Lucky for me, Shells has been helpful with a different kind of riding ... 4 down and 16 to go as of last night with more "homework" scheduled.
A Mistress Julie "Muddy" Shot Speaking of the Mistress, check out the April 2008 RideTrash Calendar ...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
And just when you thought all that was painfull ... she has an appointment for a Brazillian waxing today. Sponge Bob Death Metal Pants = another reason why it is wise idea for me to get snipped
Wednesday, March 19, 2008 And while we're on the subject of the f-word, fuck CyclingNews for even acknowledging the very existence of this piece-of-shit's bike just as procycling is attempting to clean up at least its image.
The "Liar" of Flanders is more like it Tuesday, March 18, 2008
From what I'm told, the post procedure ice packs on the nads give new meaning to the term blue balls. After a few days, Shells and I can get super busy producing the 20 money shots required before they test the 21st sample for blanks. I told the doctor to expect me back in about a week. Thursday, March 13, 2008
Can you say, “Cut the Cheese”, “Pinch a Loaf”, “Pull my Finger” and “Drop the Kids Off at the Pool”? Looks like Cadel Evens can pronounce Mont Ventoux. And though it may be normal for Vanilla 25 Cent to finish an entire magazine while sitting on the porcelain oyster, this woman would need a newsstand. I don't know about your weekend, but I had the pleasure of hanging out with Telly Savalas and Yul Brenner, otherwise known as Mistress Julie's fun bags.
Thursday, March 6, 2008 Speaking of safety, first hand damage reports from Texas Joe and photos like this sure make me want to run out and buy a pair of carbon spoke Mavic R-Sys wheels ... Not!
Stainless is painless Check out the tracks, including "Ride Smash", from my man Ben Swiller (no relation) in the KCMO. Monday, March 3, 2008
Followed by, "what happens if Marilyn Manson gets the sudden urge to play this game in Lance's boxer shorts?" Check out the March 2008 RideTrash Calendar staring the lovely Miss Jaxs, a.k.a. Metal Kitty.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
In cycling related matters, Fuck Levi, fuck Astana, fuck the bad weather (at least for Southern California standards) and fuck the painfully boring last 2 stages of the TOC. At least I was able to score a decent photo of Fabian at the ITT.
And check out what happens when SuperBad inspires Mee-Shell to tamper with N8's high school ID:  "McLovin", just "McLovin"? Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Speaking of shallow and superficial, here are the latest naked Lindsey Lohan photos. Monday, February 18, 2008
Even though today is a school holiday, here is a handy formula for determining the volume of a sphere. Please examine the following spheres:
The volume of any sphere can be determined by using the following formula:
If V is volume, r is the radius, pi equals 3.14 and the sphere’s radius is 3 inches, what is the volume? When you’ve completed your work and washed your hands, see the solution below.  If your answer was, “Those are some big ol’ fake boobies”, you are correct! Friday, February 15, 2008
UNSTAGED photo from Vanilla25Cent. Monday, February 11, 2008
Those things are louder than my hands And here are some interesting internet statistics presented with a nice visual aid ... a.k.a., KelleMarie. Speaking of porn, with rider names like Suk Gong and Dong Xing, one might think the Tour de Langkawi was something put out by Vivid. Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Leave it up to Dave over at EvilCycling.com to add his 2-cents: “Fresh and Clean? Are you serious? That's the title for some vagina spray, not the mantra of the newest ... eat-em-up badass cycling team on the block.” In other news, now that the Canadian dollar is now "aboot" equal to the US greenback, those hosers to the North have gobbled up Canonndale. A round of Moosehead to our new masters.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Also, tell me someone slipped this past their editor as a joke. Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Too bad these two "Tour hopeful" a-holes couldn't be paid a visit from our favorite psycho with the air tank and 2 liter Pepsi-sized silencer. Friday, January 25, 2008
And, by the way, the guy in all black with white, Cliff Claven socks and the rappelling speed of an arthritic old lady is NOT me ... I'm the other guy in all black. Thursday, January 24, 2008
It’s good to see Urkel has been getting work Wednesday, January 23, 2008 Six rappels off of 50 to 120 foot, ice covered waterfalls and an illegal campfire to warm hands at the lunch break made for some good times.
Swill raps the ice and prays for enough rope Monday, January 21, 2008 In other news, Slipstream has hit the big leagues with an invite to the Giro d’Italia and, like Cipo, they too will be pedaling around in the peloton without any results. Unless of course, Vaughters’ boys take what these guys are on ... then they might have a shot.
Thursday, January 17, 2008 1. Join A-Train’s new religion. 2. Read BikeSnobNYC’s version of a Rock & Republic Michael Ball letter to Steve Hed. 3. Check out the biggest threat to women since Yardstick was single.
4. And finally, never, ever show up to a Saturday ride looking like this. Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Also, a birth announcement is in order -- Say hello to 'Attack': 59cm, 16 lbs., born 5pm, January, 11 2008. Lorita is doing just fine and is recovering well (mostly because she didn't have to pay for any of it.)
For those wishing to bestow gifts for the newborn, we are registered at Fastrack Bicycles. Wednesday, January 9, 2008 Just when you thought there wasn’t any more room in professional cycling for another arrogant douche bag, domestic pro racing gets teabagged by a Ball.
Anything for publicity Monday, January 7, 2008 Texas Joe said that me scaling down to one gear was as natural as him riding a triple. More details of the build and photos of the afterbirth to come.
One thing’s for sure, it won’t have this worthless piece of crap on it. Unless you've had a recent cervical fusion, being able to turn your neck really should be considered a prerequisite for riding a bike. Wednesday, January 2, 2008
That place had more Chins than a Chinese phone book and was for some reason crawling with Asians. Seems all the white trash were staying home and playing that god-awful Rockband game. Crap, if you can't get GoreFest on it, what’s the point?
Check out the January 2008 RideTrash Calendar and say hello to a new year and the lovely Stacy.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007 On a more pleasant note, it’s time for a few more days of canyoneering in Utah to be followed by yet another Mullholand Massacre.
While I’m gone, check out Ivan’s DrivinByBordom.com for a look into the NY club scene and his occasional photos of coked-out, topless chicks. Monday, December 17, 2007 But you’ll know it has truly hit rock bottom when the Tijuana guy with the “Zebra” painted donkey sets up shop in San Ysidro to get Pesos from Mexican tourists.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Our buddy Dave Evil seems to be taking it a little too seriously. Monday, December 10, 2007
Fake feline feces are going to hit the fan And speaking of crap, if all the endlessly repeating holiday jingle music is making you mental, find a little sanity with some old-school Cramps and Loudness (thanks to Rob in Queens) on the I-Trash.
Monday, December 3, 2007 Not only does taking cute girls up in his single engine plane to do aerial loops not score him any play, it doesn’t do much for the upholstery either. And speaking of messes, A-Train and Mistress Julie hit the PsychoCross circuit last weekend Utah style.
On a side note ... Can someone please make me one of these out of PBR can? Wednesday, November 28, 2007 Yes, our lovely Mistress Julie will be making special appearances here and there, but the new theme will be on (preferrably topless) photos submitted with RideTrash somewhere in the shot (written on body, paper sign, etc.). The monthly winner gets a free RT Beanie, RT T-shirt or $20 in beer money.
Thanks Sam! Gentleman, start liquoring up your lady and grab that camera. Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Speaking of being more "manly", now you don't have to sit down like a girl to perform "number 2".
Monday, November 26, 2007
600 total feet of rappelling We are very sorry to report that we made it back in one piece and RideTrash will continue to operate. Monday, November 19, 2007
Speaking of the holidays ... It may not technically be the correct time of the year for this clip (assuming there is a correct time) but why wait several months for a good laugh.
And then there is always "Lethal Atmosphere" for the Trekkies out there. Friday, November 16, 2007 It's enough to make you want to puke.
Speaking of chunky oral fluids, if you catch yourself eating too much this Thanksgiving and want to "Nicole Riche" that last serving of mash potatoes and yams, why not have a Syrup of Ipecac drinking contest? ...
And make sure to check out the new I-Trash feature on the left-side panel for your weekly dose of ear bleeding.
Monday, November 12, 2007
More-or-less SFW You know, there is a point when the headlights can be too big for the car. Friday, November 9, 2007
With that said, while there are still big names obviously getting away with egregious doping, you have to feel a bad for Nathan O’Neil. Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Click here to play There are only two things that will get a girl to do something like that -- a shit load of crack or cash. Of course, if you're short on the Benjamins, you might get away with showing her one of these and promising to pay her later. Friday, November 2, 2007
He either has really bad aim, a urethra fluke causing an off-center stream or, sadly, a vagina. Speaking of lower extremity body parts of the fairer sex, there have been a lot of birthdays going on lately, so remember, if your friends go to the trouble of making you a kickass birthday cake ... you better know how to eat it properly.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 Yes, the end of October is already here and that means it's time for a new Mistress Julie Calendar.
Monday, October 29, 2007 17% of tested athletes have NO EPO value (remember, your body produces a small amount naturally).
In an average peloton, that's about the percentage of guys who are actually going for the win. So basically, any assclown who crosses the line first is most likely on the juice. Add this EPO bullshit to DiLuca’s pre-pubescent testosterone level during the Giro and I’d say it’s time the UCI got some MINIMUM levels established.
Celebrate the suspension! Thursday, October 25, 2007
Rob in Queens: "Caileine, Do you want to listen to some music?"
(Caileine starts playing air guitar, banging her head, dancing and running around the house) "I predict she's going to be the type that you'll catch riding motocross in a hockey jersey after ballet lessons with a black eye. And she's cute as hell. I'm going to have my hands full." Rob. Let's just hope she doesn't end up on RideTrash or in this band 15 years from now. Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Anyone got the Smores? After dealing with 6 weeks of “tailpipe air quality” from the Zaca fire, the fucking smoke and ash is back, not to mention the mental anguish of not being able to ride outside - unless you want a severe case of Black Lung. At least my 16 million dollar pad didn’t go up in flames. Monday, October 15, 2007
Of course, some people take their enjoyment to more extensive levels. Tuesday, October 9, 2007
KY jelly not included Monday, October 8, 2007 The same might be said for this guy, but for an entirely different reason.
The stocking cap was a nice touch for sure. Speaking of dick, Dave Evil is so gay, rumor has it he eats corn off the cob lengthwise ... That’s just what people say. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Back to bike-related shit, TheGoat.Backcountry.com is worth a click. Easy now, we're not talking about a site dedicated to rural man-love with hooved animals, but rather a place to check out both hip and worthless crap like this alike. Thursday, October 4, 2007 While it's a fact of life that some guys have bigger cajones and some girls have better ... tans ...
... it's also a fact that while you may get away with peeing in the pool, this will likely not go unnoticed. Monday, October 2, 2007 That little juiced-up cockroach is the World Road Champ again (without agreeing to forfeit a single strand of DNA) and Bruyneel, Contadoper and Leipheimer are all headed to Astana. Tell me again why Astana still has a ProTour licence??? I think I need some Boob Scotch to kill the pain.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Meanwhile, in another race against the clock, Benoit Berges is seen here making a mental note to remind Denis Robin to lay off the pungent cheese and to maybe wipe better as the pair finished the Duo Normand two-man time trial in France.
Fluer de Merde
Monday, September 24, 2007 Not surprising he has a dog ... It’s just about mandatory that pro cyclists have one these days so when authorities find illegal substances in their house, they can claim the stuff is for veterinary use. Check out A-Train’s recap of Blackhole Canyon over at artoconnor.com.
Click to enlarge Thursday, September 21, 2007 And big shocker here. On a brighter note, the trip to Moab kicked ass but kicked my ass in the process. I'm so tired. Read A-Train’s recap over at artoconnor.com and check out some of his photos here.
Going 100 meters never took so much effort Speaking of the A-Train ... Here’s a mathematical equation that’s even easier than converting 1/8 into a decimal (inside joke): This plus this equals this. How cute. Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Save a tree, help the environment and screw earth-raping Republicans all at once by sending online cards with a greater good. Pass the word.
Global Warming? What Global Warming? Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Especially if you're wearing handcuffs I’m off to Moab for a week of self-inflicted abuse (a.k.a. canyoneering) with Butthead, A-Train and a special appearance by Mistress Julie. Until then ...
Monday, September 10, 2007
Meanwhile at the Vuelta, Asthma boy got the stage and some Tranny action on Sunday, Menchov might win outright this year and (yawn) I can still can’t give a rat’s ass. Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007 You can catch all the doping action free in low res or shell out $29.00 for the high res images. But who needs that when you can spend your weekend watching "Porn Hair” Eric, Patron and TriBoy solo crash, riding with chicks on a group ride and going to an uber-fucking-awesome BBQ at Jeff’s place?
Itali-Anna likes Tequila Friday, August 31, 2007
Rumor has it Johan Brunyeel may be taking over at Astana? Seems like a perfect fit since Brunyeel rode for Saiz and he's obviously much better than Biver at doping his guys without getting caught. But you say "no one from Postal/Disco was ever busted for doping" -- EXACTLY! Things aren't what they seem.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Now go get ContaDoper! Tuesday, August 28, 2007 Look for Toyota-United and Slipstream (in their god-awful baby blue and babyshit brown argyle kits) to be the only ones giving a fuck about winning this thing.
Is it just me or does that Missouri Republican governor, Matt Blutt, look like one of those conservative, gay-bashing, family values guys that cruises public restrooms in his spare time?
Monday, August 27, 2007 All I know is that Mistress Julie had her cross season opener last weekend, grabbed 2nd place and looked gooooood in her shorty-shorts doing it.
And speaking of cycling chicks, here’s a tech tip from Itali-Anna if your gears are sticking ... keep nasty-ass, honey-covered, hoochie mamas off your bike seat.
Word up Wednesday, August 22, 2007
And in the "sad but true" file ... For the third grand tour in a row, organizers have had to assign the top number to a rider other than the previous doped-up winner. Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Although Metal definitely rules supreme on the RideTrash I-pod, there are times when it’s cool to chill out with some “off-the-mainstream” electronica like Pzychobitch, Zombie Girl or Miss Kittin.
And before you completely fall of your chair, the A-Train has been know to roll to this. Thursday, August 16, 2007
Forget the latest breaking doping news in the world of Pro Cycling ... check out the A-Train's new hottie girlfriend! Tuesday, August 14, 2007 When your Art and your requirements for a mate include endless bike riding, loud metal music and anal sex with underage boys (no wait, that's Dave Evil) ... some compromises to physical appearance have to be made.
More details to come as soon as they are available. Monday, August 13, 2007
That’s not my bag baby As far as the news about Disco, Rob in Queens put it best ... “good fucking riddance." I'm thinking Johan just took the que from Lance and got out before it got too hot. And speaking of departing scum, you can add this a-hole to the list. Wednesday, August 8, 2007
And speaking of tainted riders, ContaDoper's little prepared statement with no follow up questions on Friday should be painfully nauseating. Monday, August 6, 2007 Just as Vuelta a Espana organizers were declaring they wanted a clean event and that defending champion Alexandre Vinokourov would not welcome ... they go and invite "Team 'R' stands for 'Rx'", a.k.a. Relax-GAM, to the final wildcard spot.
The Vuelta Kit Even though Oscar Sevilla, Francisco Mancebo and Angel Vicioso will be barred from racing, Santiago Perez, who just finished a two year suspension, and Jan Hruska, who may have ties to Puerto, will be at the start line. Tuesday, July 31, 2007
If being overly thin is what it takes to win the Tour these days, Rabobank has a couple options to find an even skinnier heir apparent to Michael Rasmussen: 1. Do the Hollywood “in-thing”, risking malaria and the bureaucratic headaches of a corrupt third-world government to adopt a malnourished kid from Burkina Faso, or ...
2.Look to rural, Red State America and sign our good old boy Buck here instead. Monday, July 30, 2007
Full of EPO and ContaDoper STILL beat me You would think a guy who was just under suspicion for testosterone doping at the Giro would have played it a little cleaner at the Tour. Monday, July 30, 2007 What did happen is that the Tour became "officially" unwatchable after Cadel fell short on Saturday. The thought of smirky, little ContaDoper riding around with Lance and Johan in tow, toasting each other with champagne flutes, is enough to make any semi-intelligent person homicidal.
People forget that Bruyneel is still looking for a sponsor for next year and really needed a good result at the Tour to make it happen. So if you think ContaDoper is the symbol of the new "clean" peloton, you're either Spanish or really drinking the happy juice.
At least we can assume this guy was clean, being the Lanterne Rouge and all. |
